Ice Capades
by Seymour Butz
Summary: The heroes' operation has run into a lull, and the boys are bored and frustrated out of their skulls, so it's up to Hogan to find his guys something to do to break the monotony.
1. Mad Gay Night Life

Ice Capades - Chapter One "Mad Gay Night Life"

Author's note: While I do appreciate constructive criticism regarding my stories, I would appreciate it if everybody would kindly lay off the beefs about lack of accuracy regarding history and military correctness. This was not an entirely correct, or accurate show, and as such, you can't exactly expect a fan fiction story to be completely accurate as well. Other than that, please enjoy this story.

Some would feel that quite often, time spent in a POW camp could actually be quite a hoot, but from time to time, things could get quite monotonous, and down right boring. For the past few days or so, Hogan and his men had been going through a bit of a lull in their operation. Airmen who had been shot down were making their way through other POW camps through-out Germany, meanwhile London and the Underground hadn't had much use for Stalag 13 during these times. Hogan laid across his upper bunk, flipping through a book, exhaling slowly, and loudly. He checked his watch again. Only three seconds had passed since he last looked at it, but it felt more like three hours. Hogan bookmarked his place, and decided to head down into the tunnel again, to see if maybe now they heard anything from London. Down in the laboratory, Carter was keeping himself busy, mixing together a few chemicals he had going in some of his test tubes, into a large beaker. Seconds later, Hogan made his way through the tunnel, into Carter's lab.

"How's it going, Carter?" Hogan asked.

"Oh, pretty good..." Carter said, as he began to drink from his beaker.

"Carter?" Hogan began, a little surprised. "What are you drinking?!"

After a big gulp, Carter let out a satisfying sigh. "Hot chocolate!"

"Hot chocolate?!" Hogan asked, in confusion.

"Yep," Carter said, "I like to make hot chocolate in test tubes, makes it feel more scientific!"

Hogan slowly shook his head, "you really know how to live, kid."

"Thanks!" Carter said, with a smile, obviously not picking up on Hogan's sarcasm.

Hogan rolled his eyes. "Where's Baker?"

"Oh, he fell asleep about half an hour ago..." Carter said, as he sipped a sample of his scientific coffee.

"Any word from London?" Hogan asked.

"I wouldn't know, I've been in here all this time..." Carter said.

"Alright," Hogan said, "carry on..."

"Wanna sip of scientific tea?" Carter asked.

"No thanks, I'm allergic to bunsen burners." Hogan said sarcastically, while Carter nodded, before looking confused at Hogan's comment.

In the communication center, Baker was asleep on the stand-by cot. Hogan walked through, and found Baker, so he knealt down, and began shaking Baker's shoulder.

"Hey, Baker?" Hogan asked, waking his radio man.

"Hmm?" Baker grunted, slowly opening his eyes. "Colonel? Oh, what time is it?"

"16:32" Hogan said, looking at his watch. "Any word from London?"

"Yeah," Baker sat up, wiping his eyes, "that flight crew made it back alright, the Gestapo searched all over Stalag 16 for them, but luckily they didn't find them."

"Yeah, we've had some close calls like that ourselves." Hogan said. "Anything else?"

"Not a thing." Baker said.

"Alright," Hogan said, as he stood up straight, "keep an ear open, though, you never know what could happen in a few minutes..."

"Right." Baker said, as he stretched, and made his way back to the radio.

Later that evening, up in the barrack, all the prisoners were trying to keep themselves entertained. Baker sat on his bunk, reading, LeBeau was busy cooking dinner, while Newkirk and Carter played poker.

"Oh, blimey," Newkirk groaned, "this bloke's getting too good for me... I fold."

"You're folding?" Carter asked.

"It's all your's, mate." Newkirk said, pushing the pile of chips towards Carter.

"And I didn't even have anything!" Carter said, as he scooped up the chips.

"You didn't have anything?!" Newkirk asked. "You didn't even have a pair, or a straight?"

"Nope." Carter said.

"I threw away two ruddy kings! Who in bloody hell taught you how to play poker?!" Newkirk asked, growing angry.

"You did!" Carter reminded him.

Newkirk brought his face to his hand, as he leaned over the table, in frustration. "Andrew, I never liked you."

"You know, lots of people say that," Carter said, "next you know, they end up getting married."

Newkirk cringed, as Carter laughed at his own joke. "I wouldn't marry you, Andrew, for five pounds..."

"Can't you two keep it down?" LeBeau asked, sounding annoyed.

"When's dinner, anyway, LeBeau? I'm famished!" Newkirk said, tapping the handle of his fork on the table.

"Just be patient," LeBeau said, as he stirred the contents of his little pot, "it'll be ready soon enough."

"What's for chow tonight?" Carter asked.

"Potato soup." LeBeau said, rolling his eyes.

"Again with the potato soup?!" Newkirk asked. "Louie, the Geneva Convention prevents the killing of our tastebuds, this is the fourth night straight we've had to eat potato soup!"

"Will you stop complaining? I told you my green grocer made a mistake, I ended up with five sacks of potatoes." LeBeau reminded them. "I might as well put them to use, before they go bad."

"I lost me appetite..." Newkirk said, tossing his fork across the room. "I'm sick of potato soup!"

"Then go out into the dog pin, and eat with them, tonight!" LeBeau snapped.

"I think I just might do that!" Newkirk said.

"Go ahead, I'm not stopping you!" LeBeau said.

"No, you're just stopping me stomach, with all of this bloody potato soup!" Newkirk said.

"Well, maybe you could pull K.P. and peel them instead." Carter suggested.

"You keep out of this!" Both LeBeau and Newkirk said.

"Come on fellahs," Baker said, breaking away from his book, "knock it off..."

"And just who asked for your input?!" Newkirk asked.

"Look..." Baker said, putting his book down.

Within a few seconds, Baker had made his way over to the commotion between LeBeau and Newkirk, which escalated the arguement even more. All the while, Carter sat at the table, darting his head back and forth between whoever was yelling at who, smirking the entire time, not having seen a good fight in camp in a long time. After a while, Carter couldn't help but giggle slightly, as the arguement was reduced to nothing more than a name game.

"And just what is so funny, Gigglepus?!" Newkirk asked, seeing Carter laughing.

"Me? Nothing!" Carter said, not wanting to be dragged into the arguement.

By then it was too late, Newkirk began chewing Carter out, all the while, both LeBeau and Baker came to his defense. Finally, the door to Hogan's office flew open, and he stepped into the room.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Hogan yelled. "What's all the commotion out here?!"

The others all proceeded to babble to Hogan over the matter, all at once, and he couldn't understand a word they were saying.

"Okay, hold it..." Hogan began. "Hold it!!!"

The room went silent, as Hogan strolled over to the table, bringing his foot up on the bench, while resting his elbow on his knee, and his chin on his fist.

"It's obvious our lull is making us all crazy around here lately..." Hogan said.

"Well, certainly not me," LeBeau began, "but..."

"Oh, look who's talking..." Newkirk said.

"Alright! Let's not start that again..." Hogan said, "business is slow lately, and we've got nothing to do during the day, so naturally, we're taking our frustration out on each other... we need to change that."

"Well, what can we do, sir?" Newkirk asked.

"How should I know?" Hogan asked, as he stood up. "At least I have something to do..." Hogan walked towards the door. "I promised Hilda I'd spend some quality time with her this evening." Hogan smirked. "Gentlemen."

Hogan left the barrack, and as soon as he did, the arguements between everybody resumed.

"Wipe that stupid smile off your face, Andrew!" Newkirk said.

"I'm not smiling, I'm serious!" Carter said.

"Lay off him, Newkirk..." Baker began, before the arguement escalated again.

All the while, Schultz was pacing out on the porch of Klink's quarters, on guard, as Hogan walked up.

"Hi, Schultz." Hogan said, casually.

"Halt!" Schultz said. "Who goes there?"

"Joe Stalin." Hogan said.

"Heh, jolly joker..." Schultz mumbled. "The Kommandant must not be disturbed, Colonel Hogan, he is having problems with General Burkhalter."

"Oh? Are those two an item, now?" Hogan asked, jokingly.

"I know nothing!" Schultz said.

Hogan watched as the door to Klink's quarters slowly opened up, as Hilda poked her head out the door. She winked at Hogan, and darted her head to the side, indicating for Hogan to meet her around the side. Hogan smiled and nodded, not going unnoticed by Schultz, who turned around to see who he was nodding to, only to be met with a closed door, as Hilda managed to shut it, just before Schultz turned around. Schultz then turns his attention back on Hogan.

"What are you nodding at, Colonel Hogan?" Schultz asked.

"You mean you forgot?" Hogan asked.

"Forgot what?" Schultz asked.

"I have a nervous condition," Hogan lied, "sometimes my head nods, involuntarily."

"Oh, you poor thing," Schultz said, sympathetically, "perhaps you should see a doctor about that."

"I have," Hogan continued to lie, "he said if I just keep off my head for a couple of weeks, I'll only have to put liquids in it."

"I see." Schultz said, as he went back to his guard.

Hogan slowly walked off, but Schultz stopped him.

"Uh, Colonel Hogan? Where do you think you are going? You know prisoners are not allowed out of the barracks at night."

"Schultz?" Hogan asked. "How would you like to make a few chocolate bars?"

"Yeah?" Schultz asked, with a smile.

Hogan looked over his shoulder, before pulling about four chocolate bars from his coat pocket. "Think of it as hush money."

"Oh, I cannot soil my hands to a bribe, Colonel Hogan." Schultz said, turning his head.

"Double or nothing?" Hogan asked.

"You got a deal." Schultz said, as he happily took eight bars of chocolate from Hogan, before he walked around the picket fence, bordering the side of Klink's quarters, where he casually made his way to the door, where Hilda was waiting for him inside.

Inside Klink's office, the Kommandant was terribly upset, while Burkhalter was yelling at him, over the phone.

"But herr General, I assure you that I am running a very tight ship here at Stagag 13!" Klink said. "Yes, General Burkhalter... no, General Burkhalter... I don't know, General Burkhalter... yes, General Burkhalter... I apologize, General Burkhalter... yes, General Burkhalter, goodbye, General Burkhalter... what, General Burkhalter? Oh yes, yes... heil Hilter... General Burkhalter..."

Klink hung up his phone, and sunk back down into his seat, sighing in relief, as he dropped a couple of pills into his glass of water, waiting for them to fiz, before downing it all in one gulp. He hated it whenever Burkhalter would chew him out over the phone.

"Schultz!" Klink yelled, as his Sergeant of the Guards rushed into his office.

"Jawohl, herr Kommandant!" Schultz said, saluting his commanding officer.

"Schultz... I ask you... do I look like a boob?" Klink asked.

"You? A boob, herr Kommandant?" Schultz asked, trying not to giggle, knowing Burkhalter must have called him a boob over the phone. "Oh, absolutely not, herr Kommandant!"

"Then why must General Burkhalter keep repeating it in my ear?" Klink asked.

"Who is to say?" Schultz asked.

Klink looked up at Schultz, and noticed a brown smudge in the corner of his mouth. "Schultz, what have you been eating?"

"Eating, herr Kommandant?" Schultz asked. "I have not been eating! Why would I eat while I am on duty?"

"Because I know you cannot control your appetite," Klink said, "what is that brown stuff in the corner of your mouth?"

Schultz paused, before he licked the corner of his mouth, realizing he still had chocolate on it. "Uh, I fell down in the mud, herr Kommandant."

"Oh." Klink said, brushing it off. "Schultz, you are the clumiest oaf under my command..."

"Jawohl, herr Kommandant!" Schultz said. "I am the clumiest oaf under your command!"

"You are always tripping over your own feet..." Klink continued.

"Jawohl, herr Kommandant! I am always tripping over my own feet!"

"No wonder General Burkhalter sees so many faults with this prison camp..."

"Jawohl, herr Kommandant! It is all my fault you are stuck with this faulty prison camp!"

That brought Klink out of his misery. "Dis-missed!"

"Jawohl, herr Kommandant! Dis-missed!" Schultz agreed, before realizing that Klink was dismissing him. "Oh, beg your pardon, herr Kommandant..."

Schultz saluted Klink, before stepping out of the office. Back in barrack two, the room was barely recognizable with smudged potatoes all over the place.

"I certainly hope you don't think I should be the one to clean up this ruddy mess!" Newkirk said.

"Oh, don't I?" LeBeau said.

"Get Andrew to clean it up!" Newkirk said.

"Why me?" Carter asked. "I didn't make any of this mess."

"This all some big game to you, isn't it?" Newkirk asked.

"If anyone should clean up this mess, it's you, Newkirk!" LeBeau.

"Alright, fine, you want me to clean up? I'll clean up..." Newkirk said, as he grabbed LeBeau's scarf, and used it to scrape mushed potatoes off of the table, as LeBeau started swearing in French.

"Wait just a minute!" Baker said, snatching Newkirk's cap to wipe off a mess of potatoes off of the floor.

"Oh yeah?" Newkirk said, snatching Baker's cap, and filling it with clumps of mushy potatoes, while Carter did the same thing with his own cap.

"Carter, what are you doing?" Baker asked.

"Helping you guys clean up." Carter said, while the others gave him unusual looks. "I mean, personally, I don't think using our uniforms would work too well, but I guess we're out of towels and such, huh?"

"Oh, blimey..." Newkirk said, as Hogan walked in.

"Ah, nice to see you boys working together again." Hogan said, being met with nothing but silence. "Though I don't understand why you're using your uniforms to clean up this mess here... out of towels and such?"

More silence.

"Just make sure you don't use any of those spare blanket I managed to get from supply, I had to cough up two hundred cigarettes for those." Hogan said, as he walked into his office, shutting the door behind him.

The others all sighed, and dropped what they were doing.

"How did we get ourselves into this mess?" LeBeau asked.

"Maybe the Colonel's right," Newkirk said, "maybe we are going a little bonkers..."

"The operation has been running slow on this end, lately," Baker said, "and because of that, we've nothing to do."

"Hey, we can keep cleaning up all of these potatoes," Carter suggested, "that's giving us something to do!"

Carter was suddenly met with a scarf, and two hats full of potatoes being thrown at him, for his idiotic comment. 


	2. Skating Fools

Ice Capades - Chapter Two "Skating Fools"

Bright and early the next morning, the prisons remained asleep in their bunks, that is until Sergeant Schultz marched in.

"Up! Up! All prisoners up!" Schultz yelled. "All prisoners up for roll call!"

The prisoners all groaned.

"All prisoners up for roll call!" Schultz yelled again.

"Aye, Schultz?" Newkirk asked, sticking his head out from under his blanket.

"Yeah?" Schultz asked, walking back towards Newkirk's bunk.

"How would you like to do us a favor?" Newkirk asked.

"Oh, no, no, no..." Schultz mumbled, "if Kommandant Klink found out, he would send me to the Front..."

"Then buzz off!" Newkirk yelled, before pulling his blanket over his head again.

"Up!" Schultz began banging on the side of the bunk. "Up! Everybody up!"

The force of Schultz banging on the bunk woke Carter from his slumber.

"Earthquake!" Carter yelled.

"It is not an earthquake!" Schultz said, bending over to make eye-contact with Carter. "It is time for you to get up!"

The prisoners continued to groan.

"What is wrong with everybody this morning?" Schultz asked. "And... what is that smell?"

"What smell?" LeBeau asked.

"It smells like... potatoes..." Schultz said.

"Oh, it must be all the potatoes." Carter said.

"You have potatoes in the barrack?" Schultz asked.

"We did," LeBeau said, "but we cleaned them up last night."

"Now if we can only get rid of the smell." Newkirk mumbled under his blanket.

Schultz growled, before walking over to Hogan's office door, banging on it.

"Colonel Hogan!" Schultz yelled. "Colonel Hogan!"

A few second later, Hogan opened his door. "What's the problem, Schultz?"

"Colonel Hogan, would you please ask these men to get out of bed and get ready for roll call before Kommandant Klink has me shot?" Schultz asked.

"Alright men," Hogan said, in a commanding tone, "everybody out of bed and get ready for roll call before Kommandant Klink has Schultz shot!"

After a few moments, the prisoners were lined up in the compound, having Schultz take count of them, and waiting for Klink to exit his quarters. Finally, Klink stepped out of his office, and made his way into the compound.

"Report!" Klink yelled. "Report!"

Schultz marched over to Klink. "Herr Kommandant, all prisoners are present and accounted for!"

"Dis-missed!" Klink said, turning around, and heading back into his office, as the prisoners groaned some more.

"Alright everybody, you heard the Kommandant, all prisoners dis-missed!" Schultz said, as the prisoners went about their way.

"Well, another day, another dollar..." Newkirk said.

"Oui, without the dollar." LeBeau added.

"Will you need me to stand by on the radio, Colonel?" Baker asked.

"Might as well," Hogan said, "who knows, maybe we'll hear something from London today."

"Right." Baker said, as he walked back into the barrack.

"What are we going to do, Colonel?" LeBeau asked.

"Eh, I don't know..." Hogan said, "just try to find something to do."

"Wanna play some ball?" Carter asked.

"Nah," Newkirk said, "I've played enough ball in this camp to last me a lifetime."

"How about a scavenger hunt?" Carter asked.

"Andrew, how old are you?" Newkirk asked.

"Alright, hold off the bickering fellahs," Hogan said, "the last thing we need is to turn on each other."

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I think I'll go on a scavenger hunt!" Carter said, as he walked off. "I bet I can find something of some kind of value burried in the snow around here!"

"Speaking of which, quite a little dusting we had last night." LeBeau mentioned.

"No fooling," Newkirk said, "it's gotten colder too, the fire in the stove went out twice last night."

"Nothing like good, old fashioned, German winters." Hogan said. "Say, there's something you guys can do."

"What's that, Colonel?" LeBeau asked.

"Get some more firewood for the stove." Hogan said.

"Swell..." Newkirk said, with false enthusiasm.

Hogan walked off, as both LeBeau and Newkirk shrugged, and decided to do as suggested, with as cold as its getting, they'll have to get an extra amount of firewood to keep the fire in the stove going all night long. Hogan walked around the side of the barrack, pulled out a cigar from his coat pocket to have himself a smoke, when he noticed something unusual. Another prisoner was trying to retrieve some water from the water tower, but apparently it was so cold, the water in the tower had frozen. Hogan brushed it off at first, after all, Klink isn't exactly running a luxury hotel here, Stalag 13 probably had more flaws through-out than a farm back in the real world being run by a completely incompetent. Hogan continued watching, as the prisoner attempted to walk off, only to slip and fall on the frozen puddle resting underneath the spout of the tower. Hogan snickered a little, before he went back to his cigar. Moments later, down in the tunnel, Baker was reading over a magazine, and chuckling as he read.

"Any word from London?" Hogan asked.

"No a one, Colonel..." Baker said, as he chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Hogan asked.

"Oh, this article about prison camps in one of the magazines back home..." Baker said, "look here, it says these prison camps have tennis courts, and in the winter, the Krauts freeze them over so we can ice skate."

"Anything in there about volleyball championships we have every quarter?" Hogan asked.

Baker laughed as he shook his head. Hogan walked back over to the ladder, but as he was climbing up, he was struck with an idea. Outside, he walked over to the water barrel outside the barrack door, where their makeshift parascope would emerge to spy on what's going on in camp, but noticed the water in the barrel was frozen.

"Furthermore..." Klink continued, as Hilda jotted down notes for him, "any prisoner caught in his sleepwear during an air raid... real or not... will receive thirty days in the cooler!"

"Jawohl, herr Kommandant..." Hilda said, not wanting to Klink's latest order seriously, realizing that sometimes an air raid could come in the middle of the night when the prisoners are asleep, and are ordered to get out of their barracks as quickly as they can.

"Next item..." Klink continued, "from here on in, any prisoners must ask permission to see me before stepping into my office at their own free will."

"Good morning, Colonel Klink!" Hogan said, as he walked into Klink's office at his own free will.

"Hogan! Who said you could come stepping into my office at your own free will?" Klink asked.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Colonel," Hogan said, "I was just wondering if I could possibly tune into your radio for just a moment..."

"Hogan, you know the prisoners are not allowed to listen to the radio!" Klink said. "Isn't the war news depressing enough for you? Heh, your side is still losing the war as it is, how do you expect to win the war if all you do is sit around and listen to it on the radio?"

"Haven't you ever heard a little thing called 'faith', Kommandant?" Hogan asked.

"Who needs faith when you have the Fuhrer?" Klink asked. "What am I saying?"

"Actually, I was just wanting to get a quick weather report for today... seems a little nippy out today..." Hogan said.

"Of course it's nippy out there, Hogan," Klink said, "the weather report said today's temperatures won't even make it above freezing today."

"Is that so?" Hogan asked. "In that case, perhaps we could ask you to requisition some new gloves for our hands?"

"Request denied, I have enough to do around here simply running this camp!" Klink said.

"And you're doing such a wonderful job, sir." Hogan said.

Klink looked up. "You really expect me to believe that?"

"I wouldn't, if I were you." Hogan said.

"You're right," Klink said, "I know you're just trying to butter me up, so I will give in to your little demands, and requisition some new gloves for you and your men."

Hogan faked a sigh. "You're getting too smart for me, sir."

"You've got it, Hogan," Klink said, "you know as well as I that I am not doing a wonderful job running this prison camp, I keep getting a lot of static from General Burkhalter!"

"He's probably just saying things to try to get you to toughen up." Hogan said.

"Now why do I need to toughen up?" Klink asked.

"I'm sure it's getting pretty lonely up at the Russian Front..." Hogan said.

"Hogan, I don't want to hear anything about the Russian Front!" Klink said. "And what more do I have to say? You got your weather report, dis-missed!"

"Thank you, sir." Hogan said, as he exited Klink's office.

"Now, where was I?" Klink asked Hilda.

"Oh, by the way, sir," Hogan said, sticking his head back into Klink's office, "if it'll help, I can have my men write in letters of commendation to General Burkhalter, if that'll get him off your back."

Klink was touched. "Hogan, would you and your men really do that for me?"

"Of course we would," Hogan said, "we'll have you at the Front in no time!"

"Dis-missed!" Klink yelled.

Later, down in the tunnel, Hogan was thawing out several buckets of water.

"Has all the water in the tower really frozen, Colonel?" Baker asked.

"Every last drop." Hogan said. "And according to our beloved Kommadant, the temperature won't even reach the freezing level today."

"Good thing you bribed the supply sergeant for those extra blankets." Baker said.

"Perhaps we could be transferred to a Japanese prison camp..." Hogan said, look at the buckets of water. "Ah, that should do it."

"What's all the water for, Colonel?" Baker asked.

"Baker, if I told you that, I'd ruin your birthday surprise." Hogan said with a smirk, as he grabbed the buckets by their handles, and went further into the tunnel.

"My birthday was four months ago..." Baker said to himself.

Shortly thereafter, Hogan made his way into the rec hall, where he went to work, moving all of the tables and such out of the way, turning the room into a large, open, empty space. With that, Hogan grabbed a bucket of water, and dumped it onto the floor. One by one, Hogan dumped the water across the floor of the rec hall, until after a few minutes later, the water on the floor froze over. Perfect. Out in the compound, LeBeau and Newkirk were walking back towards their barrack, both with arms full of fire wood, when Hogan walked up to them, whispering into their ears, causing them both to reveal smiles, as they dropped the wood and ran back into their barrack. Afterwards, Hogan caught up with Carter, who recovered the button from a Kraut uniform from the snow on his scavenger hunt, Hogan whispered into Carter's ear as well, which seemed to excite the young Sergeant, who dropped the button, and began racing back for the barrack. Down in the tunnel, Baker was flipping through another book to keep himself busy, when suddenly Hogan walked into the communication center, and relayed the news to him as well. Baker dropped his book, and followed the Colonel back up the ladder, and moments later, all of the prisoners were gathered in the rec hall, where they saw Hogan had managed to transform the room into a makeshift ice skating rink.

"Now watch this!" Baker said, as skated out into the rink, showing off some of his skating skills out on the ice, while the other prisoners began to ooh and ahh.

"Aw, that's nothing," Newkirk said, "watch me, I'll show you some real ice skating..." With that, Newkirk skated out into the rink, and began to show up Baker, and at the same time, suddenly had five watches in one hand, and a couple of wallets in the other, as the other prisoners laughed.

"My turn!" Carter said, as he skated out into the rink, while he skates slipped out from under him, and he immediately fell onto his bottom, causing the prisoners to laugh even harder.

Schultz was on duty, guarding the camp, and as he marched passed the rec hall, he could hear the sounds of joy and laughter coming from inside. He was curious as to what could possibly be going on in the rec hall that could ensure joy and laughter, so Schultz made his way inside. Inside, just about every prisoner was paired with a partner, as they skated across the ice.

"Say, not bad, Louie!" Newkirk said.

"What can I say?" LeBeau said. "The French are graceful."

"Have you ever gone ice fishing?" Carter asked.

"Not that I recall." Baker said.

Hogan watched his men continue to skate, when Schultz walked in, and saw what was going on. Schultz couldn't believe is eyes, as he made his way over to Hogan.

"Colonel Hogan...?" Schultz began.

"Oh, hi Schultz." Hogan said.

"Colonel Hogan, what-what-what is going on here?" Schultz asked.

"What do it look like to you, Schultz?" Hogan asked.

"It looks like..." Schultz began, "... nothing... I see nothing..."

Schultz prepared to leave, but Hogan grabbed his arm. "What's your rush, Schultz? Why don't you join us?"

"Me?" Schultz asked. "You want me to ice skate with you and your men? Oh, no, Colonel Hogan, I am on duty, if Kommandant Klink catches me..."

"Oh, he won't care," Hogan assured Schultz, "besides, he's got other guards on duty, what's the difference if one man goes missing?"

"Oh, Colonel Hogan, you always have to swim in dangerous waters." Schultz said.

"Oh, come now Schultz, have some fun, join us!" Hogan said.

The other prisoners agreed, and invited Schultz to ice skate with them, the more they insisted, the more Schultz tried not to smile, until finally, "alright, I'll go get my skates!"

Moments later, Schultz was dominating the rink, as he skated among the prisoners, and accidentally knocking them over with his big belly.

"Not bad out there, for a tub of lard, eh Colonel?" Newkirk asked Hogan.

"Not bad at all..." Hogan said, "he'd be dangerous out there if we were playing ice hockey."

"What was that about ice hockey?" Carter asked, as he skated by.

"The Colonel was mentioning that Schultz could be dangerous out there if we were playing ice hockey." Newkirk said.

"Say, there's an idea, why don't we challenge the Krauts to an ice hockey game?" Carter suggested.

"Not a bad idea, Carter..." Hogan said, "you boys said you wanted to break the monotony around here..."

Shortly later, two tables were laying on their sides at the end of each room, set up as the goals. On one side, the guards of Stalag 13 were lined up, while on the other side, the prisoners were lined up. Carter was the goalie for the prisoners' team, while Hogan and Newkirk kept off to the side as the referees.

"I almost forgot about that closet full of hockey sticks." Newkirk mentioned.

"Yeah, and these potatoes will make for nice hockey pucks." Hogan said.

Newkirk laughed. "At least we won't have to eat them."

"Alright, you guys know the rules," Hogan said, "and I better not see anybody tying the laces of an opponent's skates together, I know how sneaky some of you guys can be."

"There goes our game plan..." one prisoner mumbled to the other.

Klink picked up his phone, and called for the motor pool. "Motor pool, is my staff car fixed yet?" No answer. "Motor pool?" Still no answer, so Klink began disconnecting, and reconnecting himself. "Hello, operator? Hello?" Klink was confused as to why nobody was answering his calls, so he stepped out of his office, and into Hilda's. "Fraulein Hilda? Is there some kind of problem with the phone lines that I am not aware of?"

"Not that I am aware of, herr Kommadant..." Hilda said.

Klink was confused. Grabbing his hat, and coat, Klink stepped out of his quarters, and onto the front porch, looking around, and seeing absolutely no one in sight. No prisoners, no guards, nobody. In fact, Stalag 13 almost looked like an abandoned ghost town.

"Where is my camp?!" Klink asked, thinking he almost heard his own voice echo through-out the emptiness of the camp. "Is this a test?" Klink asked himself. "Is General Burkhalter testing me? Is this his way of seeing how I would handle losing not only my staff, but all of my prisoners at the same time? Ohhh, I knew I was a failure... the General might as well bust me down to..."

Just then, Klink heard faint cheering coming from the rec hall.

"What the..." Klink said, as he made his way over to the rec hall.

Inside, the prisoners and the guards continued with their game of ice hockey. At one moment, Schultz has a monopoly of the potato being used for the puck, and when he sees he has a clear shot, and whacks the potato towards the table being used for the Allies' goal. Carter was a split second too late, as he tried to block Schultz's shot, resulting in another goal for the Germans, as they cheered once again.

"The Germans are creaming us, sir." Newkirk said to Hogan.

"Thank you, Corporal Obvious..." Hogan said, as Klink walked.

"Hogan!" Klink yelled. "What is all this?!'

"I know nothing!" Schultz said, as he skated up to Klink.

"I know you know nothing, that's why I never ask you if you know anything, because I know you always know nothing!" Klink said.

"I know..." Schultz said, sadly.

"You said you know nothing!" Klink said.

"I do, I do know nothing!" Schultz said.

"So how do you know, if you know nothing?" Klink asked.

"Oh, no, herr Kommandant, I said I know as in I know you know that I know nothing." Schultz said.

"Bah, what do you know?" Klink asked. "Colonel Hogan, what is the meaning of this?!"

"Just trying to break the monotony of prison life, Colonel." Hogan said.

"This is a prison camp, Hogan, not an amusement park!" Klink said.

"Yes sir," Hogan said, "sorry sir..."

"And this? What are you men doing off duty?" Klink asked his guards.

"I know nothing!" Schultz said.

"Oh, shut up!" Klink commanded.

"If I may, sir," Hogan butted in, "we were in the mood for a little friendly competition, so we challenged the guards to a game of ice hockey."

"I see... if this is the case, Hogan, then I have just one question for you..." Klink said.

"Oh? What's that sir?" Hogan asked.

"Why was I not invited?" Klink asked.

The prisoners all smirked.

"We didn't think you would accept, Colonel." Hogan said.

"I wouldn't!" Klink said. "As I told you, Hogan, I am running a prison camp, not an amusement park!" Klink paused. "But... it does look like you are having a good time in here... um... may I?"

"Alright with me, how about you fellahs?" Hogan asked his prisoners.

The prisoners nodded, and murmured in agreement that Klink should be able to join the game.

"Looks like you're in, Colonel." Hogan said.

"I'll get my skates!" Klink said, and pretty soon, he joined his staff's team in the hockey game, though ironically, once Klink joined in, the Allies seemed to scoring more goals then their competitors.

"That's the 'Iron Colonel' for you..." Hogan said.

"Indeed, he should be voted most valueable player for the other side!" Newkirk agreed.

"Oh, such bad luck, I do not understand!" Klink said, ready to toss his hockey stick across the room.

"Do not give up, herr Kommandant!" Schultz said. "Look, you have a clear shot, shoot! Shoot!"

"How do you expect me to concentrate, when you all keep yelling at me like that?" Klink asked, before he realized he did have a clear shot of the potato puck, so he shot it into the Allies' table. The guards cheered.

"Did I score a goal?" Klink asked.

"Jawohl, herr Kommadant!" Schultz said.

Klink felt proud. "I knew I was a natural! I'm telling you, I should be a professional athlete after the war!"

At the moment, a large black car pulled up outside the gate of Stalag 13, but since there were no guards on duty, nobody was there to open the gate.

"What is this?" Major Hochstetter asked, as he instructed his driver to open the gate himself, which he did.

With that, the car drove into the compound, but as Hochstetter stepped out of his car, he could see there was nobody in sight.

"There is something peculiar about this..." Hochstetter said, before he heard the cheering from the rec hall.

Shortly later, Klink was dominating the rink in his newfound confidence, as he scored another goal for the Germans.

"How are we doing?" Hogan asked.

"They're slowly inching up behind us, sir." Newkirk said.

At that moment, Hochstetter stormed into the rec hall, and saw what was going on.

"Klink!!!" Hochstetter yelled, starling the Kommandant so much, he slipped on the ice, and fell on his stomach.

"Oh, Major Hochstetter, so good to see you again." Klink lied.

"Klink, what are you doing?!" Hochstetter asked.

"Oh, I was... uh... I was uh..." Klink stammered, before he was working his way to his feet. "I was playing ice hockey..."

"No wonder General Burkhalter sees so many faults with this prison camp of your's, Klink! Fraternizing with the prisoners will not look good on your war record!" Hochstetter said.

"You are absolutely right, Major Hochstetter!" Klink said. "Alright, the game is officially over, Hogan, I want you and your men to clean up this mess, I want all you guards back on duty, and anyone I catch trying to pull another stunt like this again will get thirty days in the cooler!"

"Klink, I want to see you in your office, this instant!" Hochstetter yelled.

"Yes, Major Hochstetter, right away!" Klink said, as he hobbled out of the rec hall, still wearing his skates.

LeBeau, Baker, and Carter skated up to where Hogan and Newkirk were standing.

"Hochstetter in camp..." Baker said, "you know what that means..."

"Yep." Hogan said, quietly, so the Krauts wouldn't hear him. "We're back in business. Baker, better get the coffee pot."

"Right." Baker said, as he went to change back into his boots, as did the other prisoners.

The end. 


End file.
